Never a Bad Memory
by williamjacobs
Summary: Jerry's not doing so great on his own. With some help from his best friend and a world-ravaging parasite, he'll fill the hole in his heart.
1. Chapter 1

Never a Bad Memory

by Fefetama's Dad

 _The events of this story take place immediately after the final scene of "Morty's Mind Blowers": Season 3 Episode 8._

"Ghang! Ungh! Arnh! Uff!" Jerry grunted with each blow to the bike helmet with the video tape sticking out.

"Jerry! What are you doing? Why are you even here? You're trespassing and vandalism is no extra help."

"What? What is…*pant*" Jerry struggled, dropping the bat with a hollow clatter against the garage floor.

"I see you found Jerry's Mind Blowers." Rick said, "It's my own fault I suppose. I'm too busy to tidy up, there's no one I trust to do it for me, this whole garage is an armageddon waiting to happen. It's lucky I didn't have to use the vacuum tube model on you. This BetaMax model only had eight compatible tapes and most of the horrible things you've done or seen you didn't understand."

Rick picked up the chipped Memory Extraction and Restoration helmet, examining it, "Anyway, I'm sorry you had to see that and I'm sure you miss... What the…? 'Apple Campaign'? You beat the shit out of the MXR after the Apple Campaign? Wow. Good thing you didn't see the Sleepy Gary tape."

"I did." Jerry said.

"Oh."

"Why would you think I wouldn't want to know about that? If anything I'm kind of pissed you took that away from me. I thought the Apple Campaign would be me getting a job with Apple or something."

"Trust me, Jerry, any place that has the unmitigated gall to call its customer service desk a 'Genius Bar' has standards you can't reach despite its megalomaniacal delusions."

"So two memories that were just horrifying and one that…"

"Was just as horrifying to everyone but you, Jerry. Your demeanor tells me you'd do it all over again if you could."

Rick walked over to his main workbench and put the helmet down and reached across for the neurological memory extraction optical interface, "All the pieces are in place to do it all over again, so I'll ask you. Are you going to try it again? Are you ready to fuck everyone sideways for the sake of your own personal happiness?"

Jerry scowled.

"That look tells me more honestly than anything you'd say. Look into the gun, Jerry, and I'll save the entire planet for the second time with a whole lot fewer bloody corpses on your conscience."

"No!" Jerry screamed covering his eyes and running out of the garage.

"Fuck," Rick said, giving chase, "You are one lucky son of a bitch that you're the father of my grandkids, Jerry. I'd not only kill you, I'd feed your corpse to an animal on Hooliby IV that mixes its feces with photosynthetic DNA reconstructase that resurrects you painfully over the course of a month so it can have a second helping of you if you tasted especially good."

"Get away from me, Rick! If everything I saw on those tapes actually happened, all of this could have been avoided if you hadn't come back after 20 years. The family was fine without you. You were the only one who had a problem with our being a normal suburban family."

"Everyone should have a problem with that, Jerry. The lack of awareness of all the sick savage twisted a-holes the galaxy can send crashing down all around them is the only thing that keeps them from blowing their brains out making room for more evolved creatures like your wife. It's earth's ignorance that lets their higher life forms breed with genetic defects like you and leaves me with half-great minds to work with like your kids. Honestly, Jerry, it's the nostalgic Leave It To Beaver crap that stops Earth from being a decisive galactic power. Suburban life is everything wrong with the planet."

click The bolt lock of the back door that Jerry had shut between them slid into place. "Interstellar Domination isn't everybody's…"

"What the hell is that?" Rick interrupted, bending down abruptly. "Wow! Have a look at this, Jerry!"

Jerry saw, but wouldn't remember Rick standing up again with the optical Memory Extraction unit pointed square at Jerry's face. The windows of the back door did nothing to impede seizure-inducing oscillating photon arrays.


	2. Chapter 2

Never a Bad Memory

II

 _The events of this story take place a few days after the final scene of "Rickmancing the Stone": Season 3 Episode 2, after the Doofus Rick short in the appendix of Rick and Morty graphic novel Book 1,_ _Jerry's hotel room._

"Gosh, Jerry. It's what friends do for each other, isn't it? I mean, it's not too much to ask. If I can help, why wouldn't I?"

"Because it's so much trouble and you don't come by every month just to listen to me complain. I mean, especially after things were going pretty well with the galactic empire and my having a job for months on end and, well-"

"Gosh, Jerry, I didn't like you because you were a successful advertising consultant before. We were friends when you were between jobs and that's all that's happening here. Your next opportunity is just a phone call away, right?"

"Twenty or thirty away, maybe"

"Well, while we're waiting for the clouds to part, which I'm sure they will, we'll be getting the rest of your life back on track, right?"

"Only thanks to you."

"You have to cut that out, Jerry. I'm just speeding things up for you. You'd get by just fine without me. You're a great guy who any woman would be lucky to have as their husband. But if I can ask… hmmm. This isn't going anywhere. I think I need to go to the inter-inter-internet."

"The inter-inter-internet?"

"Yeah," Doofus Rick said, taking the portal gun off the table and opening a second green wormhole in the wall next to the tiny one he'd made before. "I'll just be a second."

The wormhole widened and Doofus Rick leaned into it for a few minutes before withdrawing back into the room, bringing with him a second cable like the first; the same combination jewel and tentacle interface terminating the end.

"Sorry about that," Doofus Rick apologized as he swapped the cables coming from the portal into the ethernet adapter, "I switched to an inter-dimensional port on a different router so I can tap into the inter-internets of a few hundred dimensions. Maybe we'll strike gold that way."

"I get it," Jerry said brightly. An Internet of inter-planetary internets."

"Exactly!" Doofus Rick gushed. "I don't get why Beth and your Rick don't give you the credit you deserve. For a non-technophile, you catch on to this stuff quick, Jerry!"

Doofus Rick stuffed the unused cable back through the first worm,hole and shut it. Then he shrank the second wormhole to little more than the diameter of the i3net cable.

Jerry Smith blushed slightly as he asked, "Thanks, but if you don't mind my asking, why didn't we start with the inter-inter-internet?"

Doofus Rick frowned, "Gosh, I wish we could have Jerry, but the i3net is expensive. In more ways than one. I have a subscription to the i2net and that's a finger and toe, but the i3net is an arm and a leg I can't afford. I have to buy a half hour from an i3net cafe. Luckily, I've narrowed things down so if I don't find what we need in a half hour I don't think we'll find it at all and we can just go back to thinking which doesn't cost anything but imagination, am I right?"

"Uh, sure, I guess" Jerry shrugged.

"Would you want to set up Jenga while I'm doing this and we'll play a game when I'm done with this?"

"Uh, sure" Jerry said, hand brushing his hair to the back of his head, "but it's back at the house."

"I'm sorry, Jerry. I should have thought of that. I'm not very smart about these things sometimes."

Jerry smiled at the back of Doofus Rick's head as keypresses clattered furiously. "Can I get you a coffee?"

Oh, thanks Jerry!" Doofus Rick said quickly over his shoulder, "I'll take you up on that next time. I ordered one while I was reserving the half hour. I haven't admitted it out loud, but I suppose you've noticed. I'm a caffeine addict and the i3net cafe I use has some of the strongest coffee it's genetically possible to engineer. I'm not sure it's only caffeine that gets me the buzz I get when I drink that stuff, but I'm hooked and it's too late to worry about it. Tell you what, though, maybe we should go skiing or something instead of you spending our time together watching me read on a screen."

"Didn't you just reserve that line for a half hour?"

"Yeah," Doofus Rick said covering his face with his hands," Again that's me not being very smart. I just wanted to help so bad."

"Well, let's use up the time then go. I don't want it to cost you more than a finger."

"You're swell, Jerry. It's good to have a friend like you looking out for me."

"I feel luckier than you, Rick."

"I could use a cookie with the i3net coffee if you have some."

"Coming up. Be right back."


	3. Chapter 3

III

"I hope this isn't costing too much. I can't help pay for it at the moment," Jerry said glumly.

"It's okay, Jerry. Well worth the money. I'm just sorry we didn't go to i3 right away," Doofus Rick responded, looking over his shoulder while he touch-typed. "Several dimensions have spaying and neutering techniques down. Every dimension that's domesticated the parasites as pets did that, so getting a sterilized one is no problem."

"They haven't been domesticated anywhere in our dimension?" Jerry asked.

"No, and there's a universal ban on them. Some dimensions exterminate them, while others domesticate and control them."

"Why doesn't every dimension domesticate them? Killing them off seems cruel."

"A lot of species have been eliminated because dimensions didn't destroy the parasites, Jerry. These decisions aren't made lightly. Inter-dimensional wars have begun and been narrowly averted because of irresponsible exotic pet owners who bring them into banned dimensions where no countermeasures have been in place. Same thing happens here on Earth when bored teenagers spending their parents' money release snakes into parks. When they don't want them anymore, they don't have the stomach to kill them, and animal shelters aren't funded to take them in, they have no predators and they start destroying native species."

"So if we get a sterilized parasite, we don't have to worry about them breeding out of control. That's good. What about deciding what character they become?"

"That was tougher, Jerry. Most dimensions that use them for pets sell them as a pig in a poke. You get what you get and since they only place good memories in your head, you're sure to love whatever they become. Customizing the characters hasn't been developed many places and where it has, it's too expensive. I'm trying to find a dimension that has steep discounts on Black Wednesday as well as a dimension that celebrated Thanksgiving Tuesday yesterday, our i3 connection didn't connect to enough dimensions to fit that role.

"Thanksgiving? On Tuesday? This time of year?"

"Thanksgiving was held in the fall in most dimensions, Jerry, but which day is almost as random as Chanukah."

"Oh. So what are we doing now.?"

"I bought bandwidth on a connection to a central hub. I'm now connected to nearly every dimension that has i3 and I'm getting hits now."

Jerry's eyes widened. How expensive is that?"

"I'm hoping I can find what we need in five minutes so I won't have to miss a saucer payment."

"Rick! I can't let you do this! It's too much! It was just a thought is all! I'll find someone new, but it doesn't have to be Sleepy Gary!"

"Jerry, I can't see you any more than I already do and knowing you're alone because of me? I can't sleep at night."

"But it wasn't you!" Jerry pleaded.

"We both know that's not true, Jerry, and believe me, yours isn't the only mess I've had to clean up. I'm a malevolent interdimensional force that deserves extermination more than these poor parasites."

"Not you, though! You're the only nice Rick. I've seen plenty of them! You can't say you're one of them. You're not part of the problem."

"It's nice of you to say, Jerry, but the same thoughtlessness that spreads nihilism to every corner of the multiverse is part of me. Maybe if I didn't keep that in mind, I'd be just like them. We need time, Jerry. Time for all the narcissist Ricks to wipe each other out. The nihilism is pervasive. Their thoughtlessness doesn't even extend compassion to themselves. All we have to do is stay out of their way long enough for the last Ricks to understand the meaningfulness of it all."

"Did you say 'meaningfulness'?"

Doofus Rick examined his friend's face for a moment to understand the inquiry. "Meaningfulness, Jerry. The realization that life can be rich, rewarding, and happy. That bringing joy to others is the meaning of the universe and that subjective meaning is enough justification for existence. Denying that logically brings you to most Ricks' behavior. If nothing matters, you can do what you want. Cruelty and indifference to apocalypse is just another way to pass the time. We can decide instead that people matter; that suffering has a cost we shouldn't be willing to pay. Not many Ricks believe that. Fewer and fewer remain every day to see things that way. I've heard it calculated that a Rick Sanchez dies every femtosecond. The multiverse isn't infinite and the supply of sentient Ricks will be exhausted in, at most, 25 years."

"wait, there are more Ricks like you?" Jerry asked.

"Not like me, Jerry. God help anyone like me," Doofus Rick shook his head even as his fingers mashed keys. "But there are hundreds of Ricks who have looked on their empty lives and been appropriately horrified. And I helped take care of them."

"You- How did you take care of them?"

"It's not important, Jerry. The important thing you might want to know is that your Rick shows all the signs of being one of the ones that can be saved- Ok, I've saved the list of dimensions that might help. Let's pull the plug and go shopping."


	4. Chapter 4

**Never a Bad Memory**

IV

"It was to stay in our budget."

"Parasites live here in our dimension too, why go to another dimension for it?"

"It would require a long space flight to and your dimension doesn't domesticate them anyway. They only exist in your dimension as outbreaks; hidden stashes of eggs that wait for a nurturing environment of warm, moist, dark nutrients to start the pupae process."

"We could do that again on Earth, couldn't we?"

"Sure Jerry, but we need it sterilized and no one is trained to do that in your dimension."

"Okay, so we went to the pet store in…"

"Dimension A-567. It's not as advanced as yours, but it did perfect parasite sterilization in something of a fluke. Earth A-567 hasn't even invented nuclear fusion."

"Um, have we?"

Doofus Rick looked at Jerry. "Um, almost. Real close! Next week maybe."

"So we got a sterilized pupae and he's eating garbage in the… should we give him actual food?"

"Parasites don't care, Jerry. In fact they can live off fruit rinds and meat gristle if they don't have to reproduce. Sleepy Gary shouldn't cost you a thing. Two really can live as cheaply as one."

"I don't eat enough to make that much trash."

"Parasites don't need as much food as humans, Jerry. They have far less density. It lets them be as small as a pencil or a rubber duck as big as a refrigerator. Think of them as balloons that blow up on deflate. It doesn't take much to feed a flexible shell"

"Okay, so we got our pupae from A-567…"

"Because they sold it to us already sterile and their Thanksgiving was yesterday which means we got a great deal on Black Wednesday. Only a few dimensions had both things going for them."

"And now we're here…"

"To pick up the Jenga game."

"Well, okay. Sure, but I wouldn't think-"

"And borrow your Rick's Memory Extraction and Restoration helmet."

"Uh…"

"Don't worry, Jerry. I have one too. I use it all the time. It's the only way I can stay sane."

"It… extracts memories?"

"And restores them."

"And we're going to…"

"Extract your memories of Sleepy Gary, put them back, and then drop the pupae into the helmet and run the tape a second time."

"That's how you customize a parasite?"

"It's close enough that I think it's worth a try. But if it doesn't work, we can still go over to dimension F-235. It's Black Wednesday there, too. Their dimension can isolate and direct mental images to shape a parasite and we won't have to pay for the pupae."

Doofus Rick handed the helmet to Jerry, a Betamax tape sticking out of it with a hand-written label saying "Sleepy Gary."

Jerry looked at Doofus Rick glumly.

"I'll go first if you're scared." Doofus Rick said.

Jerry's brow relaxed and the corner of his mouth lifted in a sheepish smile..

"You'd never hurt me," Jerry said and he put the helmet on.


	5. Chapter 5

**Never a Bad Memory**

 **by Fefetama's Dad**

V

"Hi, Dad. Hi, Uncle Gary," Summer chirped stepping into the apartment.

"Hi sweetheart. Glad you could join us," Jerry said,m hugging his daughter.

"Wouldn't miss your anniversary, would I?"

"Hui, Summer!" Sleepy Gary yawned from the kitchen, flipping a pancake.

"It's hard to believe how well things worked out after your mother and Gary divorced is all."

"Not _that_ well," Summer mock-glared at her father, "The two of you keeping your little romance secret wasted a lot of time for everyone. The two of you are so happy together and, frankly, mom is really enjoying the freedom of being single again."

"She's dating?" Jerry said, surprised, but not concerned.

"Oh, no!" Summer stifled a giggle, "Nothing like that. Gary was a perfect husband, and now we know why. She's spending lots of time with grandpa. He was never that thrilled with you, Dad and your constant visits and your neediness didn't let her marriage thrive and interrupted the reconnection with her dad. It was better for everyone."

Jerry smiled sheepishly, "I'm glad my homewrecking worked out so well. To think I was feeling guilty about it."

Summer punch her father lightly in the shoulder, "Another pointless bit of suffering caused by you're sneaking around, you goofball."

"Have you had dinner, Summer?" Gary called from the kitchen, plating a stack of the pancakes.

"Yes, but I won't turn down breakfast for dinner," Summer answered.

"Is Morty joining us?"

"Yeah, my stuff was on top in the trunk, he's right behind me."

"Hi, Uncle Gary, Hi Dad." Morty greeted from the doorway, a rollie suitcase in tow.

"Hi, Morty. Hungry for pancakes?" Sleepy Gary offered, "Easy enough to make more batter."

"Aw Geez, I don't mean to make trouble. Summer and I ate already."

"Too late!" Herry interjected, "Summer already accepted so you don't have that excuse."

Morty grinned as he shuffled his feet, "Okay, I'll take a few."

"Good! This can be a celebration!"

"Cem-uh-bray-shu?" Summer tried to ask around her mouthful of perfectly browned pancakes and pure maple syrup.

"Yes!" Sleepy Gary beamed, as he leaned in to his husband and Jerry leaned right back, their temples touching gently.

"You mean?" Summer breathed, gulping down her pancakes so she could ask.

"Yes," Jerry confirmed, "We're finally doing it."

"Well it's about time!" Summer squealed, jumping up[ from her chair, throwing her napkin on the table and rushing to her uncle to bestow a bear hug on him.

"What?" Morty asked, confused, not yet having sat down to his short stack.

"I'm not sure Morty knew," Jerry explained to his daughter.

"Knew what?" Morty asked.

Sleepy Gary put his hand on Jerry's on the dining table, "Morty, your father and I have been together for quite some time now and your mother has custody of you, so Jerry and I have felt we have love to sharer and love to spare."

Morty's eyes widened in realization, "You mean?-"

"Yes, dummy brother of mine, they're finally having a baby!"

"But… I mean, I knew you guys were talking about it and all, but-" Morty said, stepping behind his chair and steadying himself with his hands on its back.

"I think it's long overdue," Summer almost squealed, "You two are going to be awesome parents!"

"Well," Sleepy Gary blushed, "We know your father will be. After all, he's had exceptional practice. ButI hope I'll be a good father too."

Summer administered a second bear hug, "Don't be crazy! Of course you will! You're the best!"

"So, where are you going to adopt from? Overseas? Here? Where?"

Sleepy Gary graced Morty with a look of bliss, "Who can say? But I can tell you this much. It'll happen sooner than you think."


	6. Chapter 6

VI

"Thanks for breakfast/dinner, Uncle Gary. Bye Dad! See you next ti… hey, Mom, would it be okay if we came to see Dad and Uncle Gary next weekend instead?"

"Uncle… Gary?" Beth asked, puzzled as she looked up at her soon-to-be-ex-husband and an exact likeness of a parasite that had infested her house months ago.

Her mouth opened slightly.

"Shit!" she hissed.

Beth dove back into the car and threw open the glove compartment grabbing a pen and scribbling furiously on her arm:

-Beth

-Summer

-Morty

-Rick

-ALL OTHERS ARE PARASITES

Beth surveyed her arm with satisfaction and allowed a smile to lift her mouth's corner.

She scrambled out of the car again and went to the trunk.

"Pack your bags kids, I need to talk with your Dad a few minutes," Beth said, wrestling the tire iron out from its niche in the trunk wall.

Morty and Summer rolled their suitcases to the back of the car as Beth climbed the stairs to Jerry's apartment, "Hi, Jerry. Can I have a word with you two in private?"

"Sure, Beth, what's the matter?" Jerry asked over his shoulder as Beth gently guided him into the apartment, with Sleepy Gary in the lead.

When the three were inside, Beth bolted the door closed and scowled at Jerry, "How'd it happen, Jerry? How did you manage to get a fucking parasite in your apartment?"

"Parasite? What? Where?"

Beth pointed at Sleepy Gary

"Me?" Sleepy Gary blurted, "I was there at the parasite infestation too! Remember?"

"No, I don't remember, Gary!" Beth fumed, "Or I won't, anyway. That's how you glurpy worm things work, isn't it? That's why I wrote shit down!"

Beth presented her arm to Jerry.

Jerry's eyes flitted to the tire iron, then Beth's arm in a panic, "Beth-Summer-Morty…"

"And _everyone_ else is a parasite, Jerry." Beth finished for him, lowering her annotated arm and swatting the tire iron into its palm.

"Jesus, Beth!" Sleepy Gary breathed, backing behind the kitchen counter, "If you're wrong, you're going to murder me. Why would there only be _one_ parasite? Summer and Morty had all weekend to create more, if I was a parasite. You don't have to remember! THINK!"

Beth paused and she glared at Sleepy Gary then her head whipped around 180 degrees. "Shit. Two of them got into my head, first. Gimme a pen, Jerry!"

"What?" Jerry gibbered, complying with his ex-wife's request, wary of her rage and the weapon.

"Two more, out there. Masquerading as Gary's and my kids," Beth said angrily crossing off Morty and Summer's names.

"Two more? You mean, Summer and Morty? They _are_ our kids! They… wait. Bad memories! That's how we know each other. Can we think of bad memories of Summer and Morty?"

Beth's eyebrows lifted, "Oh. Yes, of course I can. And you, of course."

Then a wicked smile crossed her face as she turned to Sleepy Gary, "But I was still right about you 'husband' of mine!"

Sleepy Gary's eyelids snapped upward as he thrashed around looking for a kitchen knife. He grabbed the one from the sink he'd used earlier that evening preparing dinner and turned to face Beth, "Beth, what I said before holds: if I were a parasite, how can there only be one of me? Also, if I wasn't imprisoned, dozens or hundreds of others will have escaped and killing one isn't going to save your planet."

Beth stepped tentatively towards Sleepy Gary and eyed him warily.

"Again, you don't need to remember," he said, hands outstretched in a plea for calm, "Just think. If I'm real, you'll murder me. If I'm a parasite, nothing changes. The world is still doomed."

Beth stopped glaring at Gary and turned to sit on the sofa, "Stay there. I'm not done yet."

She dropped the tire iron onto the carpet and put her head in her hands, "You're right, but it doesn't make sense."

Jerry joined her on the sofa and Beth lifted her head looking straight ahead, "Why didn't I write your name down, Gary? Fifteen years we've known each other and.."

She turned to him, "We had 3 years of beautiful, wonderful marriage before- No, that's not… The whole thing is a mess. Summer and Morty are Jerry's kids, not yours. The numbers don't work. My mind isn't as easy to mess with this time, but…"

Gary put the knife back in the sink, and looked at Beth glumly.

"It doesn't matter how the timeline sorts itself out. You've never had a cross word with me and always been thoughtful and a huge help," Beth said.

In a fluid motion she stood again with the tire iron back in her hand, "And that's rock solid proof you're a parasite."

A knock came at the door.

"Oh, shit." Beth grimaced, looking skyward.

"Right," Jerry said, getting up from the couch, "You want to explain to our kids how you plan to bash their Uncle's head in now?"

Beth crashed down onto the couch again dropping the tire iron on the cushion beside her as the kids entered the room.

"Mom, what's up, we've… are you okay?" Summer asked.

"No kids, I'm not," Beth groaned into her hands covering her face.

"What happened?"

"Your...Uncle. I'm not sure where I stand with him."

"Why? What did Uncle Gary do?"

Beth lifted her head again, looking to Summer, "Nothing. That's the whole point."

"Then… What? I'm confused."

"Summer," Beth said, "Can you think of a time you're been mad at Uncle Gary?"

"No!" Summer beamed, "He's always been the best! Even after the divorce he was always...wait, why are you asking?"

"Morty?" Beth asked, "Any bad memories of Sleepy Gary?"

"Uh…" Morty strained himself, "Geez, mom, no. Uncle Gary has- Wait. Bad memories? That was…"

"Are you-" Summer stammered, "Are you saying Uncle Gary is a parasite?"

"Yes," Beth said, "and you're saying it now too. Think about it. How could anyone ever be perfectly civil and kind to all three of us all the time. People just aren't like that. Not with your sarcastic mouth, Morty's incessant sniveling, and my...well, Christ on a cracker, I was about to brain him with a tire iron. How can nothing bad ever have happened with your Uncle Gary before? Even something that wasn't his fault."

"So, why are we standing here like the world isn't about to end?" Summer asked, "Beat his brains out, Mom!"

"Because," Beth said, absently fingering the tire iron, "If Gary is a parasite, the world already has ended and there's nothing we can do about it. There were no blast doors this time. How many people came by to visit with you this weekend?"

"Um, nobody," Morty answered, "We just had breakfast for dinner, played Jenga, slept in really, really late, read and watched Gazorpazorp Avengers on DVD, nothing huge."

"Did you go anywhere?"

"Grocery shopping. Not much though. Food stamps don't buy a lot," Morty moped.

"And you didn't run into neighbors you've known for years that just happened to be in the store the same time as you?"

"No. And that's really weird if parasite infestations work like the last one we had," Morty admitted.

"Exactly my problem," Beth said, "Sleepy Gary is a parasite, but he doesn't breed. What the hell is going on?"

No one filled the void, so Beth started up again, "Gary, you dear sweet man. Are you a parasite? Do _you_ even know?"

Sleepy Gary frowned, then opened the cupboard retrieving five coffee mugs in his two fists, "Tea, anyone?"


	7. Chapter 7

VII

Doofus Rick looked down at his cold cup of Ovaltine. "Gosh, Jerry, that was almost a total disaster. Not only would we be out the money we spent, but watching your significant other get murdered for the second time before your eyes. That'd be a lot to take."

"Well," Jerry said, rotating his glass idly in his fingers, "The first time, Sleepy Gary was fully capable of ravaging the planet. The necessity cushioned the blow some. I knew it had to be done and I had Beth and the kids in my life again. If Sleepy Gary survived, I would have been just a family friend. It wouldn't have turned out well at all. You know, even assuming the parasites didn't cause the extinction of the human race."

"I'm sorry I didn't think about how much faster your pupae would mature given that you were deliberately feeding it. The universe is a dangerous place and I really shouldn't try to do half the stuff I do. You don't understand how many mistakes I make trying to help, Jerry. I barely justify my continued existence."

"What do you mean?" Jerry objected, "If you mess up trying to help others, who can be upset? We all make mistakes and we do it often enough when we're only looking out for ourselves."

Dufus Rick grimaced, "It's better if you screw up trying to help yourself, Jerry. You may get criticized, but you;'re ready for it."

"Geez, Rick, if everyone had to be sure they wouldn't make mistakes, no one would try to do anything nice. You need to cut yourself slack."

"I do, Jerry. I've rendered entire cities uninhabitable with some of my mistakes, but saved planets. I should feel better about what I do. On balance, I think I'm doing good things, but it's hard to take when I fail. I came really close to hurting you. It was so stupid not to think of what Beth's reaction could be and I didn't even think about what your Rick would do if he realized Sleepy Gary was a parasite."

Jerry sipped from his Ovaltine, "Yeah. Well, that may end up okay. Beth is going to break the news and we have Sleepy Gary in hiding here on…" Jerry struggled.

"A-567. The place we bought the parasite pupae from. Your Rick may not be as upset if Sleepy Gary is in his native habitat."

"Right. A-567," Jerry said, eyes squeezed shut attempting to force more lasting results from his hippocampus, "We're here until we see how the idea goes over with my Rick."

Doofus Rick surveyed the food court, "It shouldn't be long before we find out if Sleepy Gary can stay with you, or whether you should stay here with him, or your Rick hunts him down like an animal."

Dufus Rick pulled his portal gun out from his lab coat, "In fact, I think I'll check in. I'll be back before Sleepy Gary gets back with our sheeponburgers."

As Doofus Rick disappeared into the bubbling green swamp circle, Jerry had some reason to doubt that conclusion because he could see Sleepy Gary across the food court returning to the table with lunch. Jerry tried unsuccessfully to tamp down feelings of guilt that Doofus Rick was picking up the tab once again. How long could he keep mooching off Doofus Rick. It's not as though they were married.

Sleepy Gary and Jerry agreed to wait a few minutes for Doofus Rick before starting on their burgers and were rewarded when a portal opened again and Doofus Rick .

"Good news," Doofus Rick said, taking his seat and unwrapping paper form his veggieburger, "Beth got a hold of your Rick and explained the situation. We're welcome to come back under a few conditions."

"Umf," Jerry mumbled around his first bite, "Am whub are thosb?"

Doofus paused before tucking in to his veggieburger, "First, Sleepy Gary is to avoid your Rick at all costs. Rick wants to always be clear that Sleepy Gary is a parasite. He says if he's under the impression Sleepy Gary is human for the barest moment, his life is null and void."

"Jesus," Jerry managed after swallowing.

"It's understandable," Sleepy Gary muttered, "Your Rick was extremely upset during the last infestation. He's really proud of his mind and if he can't trust himself, I can only imagine the torment that causes."

Jerry sneered, "That's just like you, Gary. Worrying about a man who worries about no one else."

Sleepy Gary lowered his burger, visibly troubled, "It's part of our nature. We don't implant negative memories and we really try not to create any. We just want to live and not hurt anyone. The last time was awful. Sewing those seeds of doubt to protect ourselves when Rick was ready to murder us all? How do you thread that needle? You've no idea what it did to us. It was like telling someone to amputate a puppy."

"I'm sorry I brought it up. I'm starting to feel sorry that we didn't come up with a non-lethal way to rid the house of the parasites the first time."

Sleepy Gary looked aside, "Some people don't consider us to be worthy of living. I don't understand it, and there's nothing we can do. We can't fight back. We can't isolate ourselves. We reproduce so quickly we can't grow our own food fast enough. Rick is right about us, but he's wrong too."

Jerry's eyes softened, "We've got the best of both worlds here. We can have best friends who would never hurt us _and_ they won't wipe planets clean of all edible substance."

Sleepy Gary didn't move his gaze from the central food court, "It's lonely, Jerry."

"What?" Gary said, quietly alarmed.

"We're sterile. Parasites are sterile here. Parasites are sentient and they have a drive to reproduce. I look human and your memories tell me what it's like to have kids and watch them grow up."

Jerry put his burger down and watched his best friend staring into the distance.

"That gets taken away from us, Jerry. It's- That's why I was so happy you were willing to have a baby with me. And we're- we're here in my home dimension and- Do you think we could- I know it's moving fast and everything, but I don't know when we'll be back here and the parasites are sterile here."

"Have our baby _now_?" Jerry asked.

Sleepy Gary swiveled to his beloved, "It'll be wonderful Jerry. It can be anything you want. We could even have a baby just like Summer or Morty, but it'd never want to hurt you and you'd be filled with precious memories of raising her or him with me."

Sleepy Gary looked away again across the food court but this time hunting down and focusing on a toddler standing beside a stroller, her mother engaging in some dialog that seemed to please her as the child alternated between the stroller and her mother.

"A child who would never hurt me," Jerry mumbled to himself.

Doofus Rick chewed slowly, watching Jerry and glancing at Sleepy Gary sporadically.

"Can we?" Sleepy Gary implored.

"I- I have no money, honey," Jerry said staring glumly down at his burger.

"I have that covered," Sleepy Gary said, biting his smiling lip.


	8. Chapter 8

VIII

"Where's Morty?" Sleepy Gary asked.

"Right behind me. Where'sthebabyWhere'sthebabyWhere'sthebabyWhere'sthebaby?" Summer machine gunned, wild-eyed.

"Summer?" Jerry said, entering from the hallway, holding Bridget.

Summer squealed and crossed the distance to her father in a short breath, "GimmeGimmeGimmeGimme, don't be a selfish daddy!"

"Here! Here!" Jerry surrendered, grinning and passing his baby daughter to "I never would have pegged you for a baby-crazy maternal type."

"Oh, I don't want one! Just… oh shut up and let me enjoy her," Summer glared at her father over her shoulder as she walked to the living room sofa, rocking her half-sister.

"Dames and babies, huh dad?" Morty chided, entering the apartment with both his suitcase and Summer's, "Where's Chris?"

"In his room playing Xbox, as usual," Jerry answered.

"Oh good," Morty said, scrambling to join his older half-brother, "Chris, start a new game, I'm here!"

"Annnnnnd… won't see them until dinner," Summer said, looking up at the ceiling, "Family time, Morty? Like, maybe engage a little?"

"Don't judge, sweetheart," Sleepy Gary said form the kitchen, "Boys just aren't much into babies at that age. Well, any age if it isn't theirs."

"It's his half-sister! He needs to care! Hey, can I feed her?"

"I guess," Gary shrugged, "She only eats maybe a teaspoon at a time, though. It'll be over before you start."

"Goodgoodgood, where's the bottle?"

"It's on the counter near the microwave," her father offered.

Summer rose from the couch with Bridget and found the bottle, "What is this stuff?"

"Oh. Water, vegetable peels, and leftover pasta, I think," Gary recalled.

"What? Gross! You don't feed her formula?"

"Formula? Good grief, why? She's not a baby, Summer. Or, she's not a _human_ baby. She can live on the same stuff I do, only liquified in the juicer we bought."

"You eat this stuff?" Summer asked, reluctantly placing the bottle to Bridget's lips.

"I eat whatever I make for you and your father for social reasons, but when no one else is around, yeah, I eat the stuff you guys would throw away," Gary said over his shoulder, stirring the stewpot.

"Why? You shouldn't live on garbage! You can't make yourself suffer all the time," Summer was troubled by Bridget's enthusiasm, chugging down the greenish puree from the bottle.

Gary beamed at Summer, "That's really sweet, Summer, but while I may look human, I'm not, and my sense of taste isn't as fussy as yours. Kitchen scraps taste different, but not worse. Anything even a little nutritious tastes fine. It's not as though humans can have ice cream and cake 24/7. Parasites don't need to have their favorites all the time either. It means my contribution to the grocery bill is negligible. We have better uses for our money."

"Do tell!" Summer said, putting the bottle aside. Bridget was sleeping contentedly

"Beg pardon?" Gary said, tripping over his words.

"What are you saving up for?"

"Loved ones," Gary mumbled, turning back to the simmering stewpot.

"Isn't that just like you, Uncle Gary? Always looking out for your family?" Summer said, putting Bridget in her bouncer chair.

"True enough," Gary said.

"Gary tells me family are the best kind of riches. You can't have too much love."

"It shows," Summer said, hugging Sleepy Gary around the waist, "You're the best thing to ever happen to ours."

"I'm glad you feel that way summer. I always wanted to be part of a big family. I never thought I'd get the chance."

"Well, there's just five of us and now you and Bridget. Not sure you'd call that big."

"Don't forget Chris," Gary reminded.

"Okay, 8 of us," Summer relented.

"And you're just talking about your side of the family."

"You have family?"

"A sister."

"What's her name?"

Gary paused a moment before answering, "Celeste."

"Pretty."

"I've always liked the name," Gary mused, preparing to ladle out the thickened stew.


	9. Chapter 9

IX

"So let's see if I got everyone," Rick gushed, "There's your Aunt Celeste, Bridget, Chris, Colby, and Patrick, your half-siblings. Peter, Paula, and Charity, are your cousins by Celeste and Grandpa Bertram, Gary's father."

"Yeah, that's everyone, I think. Are you going to join us?" Morty asked, tapping casually on the iPad he was pointing at his Aunt Celeste who was offering a butter pickle to her son.

"No, I prefer not to fill my head with fake memories of a dozen relatives you don't have. I'm sending a swarm of drones over though to keep you all company."

Morty shrugged, "I figured it was something like that. That's why I had Summer warn everyone to hide in the park shelter or get in the car to get to safety."

"You- what?" Rick said, scowling.

"You don't care about your own family, Rick. Your enthusiasm over meeting Uncle Gary's family set off my radar, red flags, warning signs, road flares and it broke my bullshit detector still under warranty," Morty droned, bored.

"So you-"

"I texted summer on the iPad. Maybe you could have seen what I was doing in the messaging app if you'd tried, but you were all too happy to assume I fell for your pretending to suddenly be interested in others. Anyway, everyone's safe and if you call in an airstrike or some shit, I'm going to die and so is Summer, so… there's that I guess."

"Why, Morty?" Rick railed, "They're parasites and they're breeding! Just like before. Slower, maybe, but at an exponential rate!"

Morty put the iPad on a table, and picked up his cup of lemonade, kicking his heels up on a convenient beach chair next to his, "Ten people over the course of 12 years just doesn't bother me all that much, Rick. By the time they threaten the planet we'll both be dead from the president, the Galactic Federation, or the Citadel finally figuring out how to take us both out and who cares then?"

"It's been two weeks, Morty!" Rick fumed, "The twelve years are just in your head! Come on, you've got to have a better idea how these things work than that."

Morty grimaced momentarily before he switched to a blase smirk, raising his straw to his lips, "Okay. You've done the math. When do they take over the planet?"

"Doesn't matter!" Rick sputtered, " _Any_ exponential rate destroys the world, Morty. Playing the long game is almost worse. Morons don't see it coming. It's-frog-in-the-pot-of-boiling-water stuff."

"That frog thing is a myth," Morty sidetracked, "Okay, so one parasite became ten in two weeks. Give me numbers."

Rick glared at the open sky the iPad was aimed at, then screwed his face up as he mumbled, "p0 equals one, t of fourteen, pt of ten, means…growth rate sixteen. Humma, humma...wubba lub dub dub. Morty, the parasites outnumber humans in 140 days. About. They outnumber the world population in less than five months."

Morty slurped the last of his lemonade then picked up the iPad to face his grandfather, "Then what?"

"Then, they… what do you mean 'Then what?'" Rick flailed, "Humans go extinct! You used to care about those things. What the hell is the matter with you?"

"I'm only saying what you've believed all along," Morty blinked sleepily at the screen, "We Cronenberg'd my Earth and it didn't seem to bother you. So I let this earth get overrun by parasites. Why do you get to destroy an Earth and I don't?"

"You don't do it on purpose!" Rick objected, "It just kind of happens. We did it to get you a girl, if you remember, so technically, you already took out one Earth already."

"Fine, you get to destroy two Earths after I'm done here," Morty said, lying back in his beach chair, closing his eyes.

Rick gritted his teeth behind pursed lips, "This isn't you at all. Why are you okay with murdering your own species all of a sudden? I'm not saying you're wrong, I just thought you'd get to this point years from now."

"Well, Rick, how's the world supposed to end? Nuclear annihilation? Overpopulation? Famine? Drought? Locusts? It's gotta end somehow and right now it's ending with a swarm of kind hearted parasites that'll be kind and loving towards all of humanity for five months of peace before it comes to a close. Parasites are the nicest creatures I know Rick. They deserve to live more than we do and they can have this planet. You, me, Summer, dad, mom, and Sleepy Gary can go off to C-140 or wherever and start over. We can enjoy five months of being surrounded by a worldwide family of 7 billion people who'd never hurt us and we have only fond memories of. Over and over. The kind of family everyone wants, you and I can have. Forever."

Rick's face grew large in the iPad screen as Rick learned in to the camera, "So you're ready to take out about 100 dimensions worth of Earths so you can enjoy family reunion barbeques for the rest of your life?"

"And let parasites assume their role as benevolent forces of good across the 100 universes I switch to. Yep! After all the food is gone, the parasites dessicate into spores and wait for the earth to recover it's vegetation and they cycle on again, off again, never committing war. Never hurting each other."

Rick squinted one eye angrily.

"I've switched sides Rick. Parasites are better than we are and deserve to live. We're the ones who deserve extinction."

"There's going to be a lot of suffering, famine and war as the food dries up and the humans get hungry, Morty. It'll be that scene in your living room but with 7 billion people murdering everyone who they don't have a bad memory of."

"Maybe, but before that happens, there'll be 70 or 700 billion parasites. Remember, they don't eat much. By the time anyone means to do anything about it, the humans would run out of ammunition. They'll have to use hand weapons and that's an awfully slow uncertain way to kill 700 billion people doubling every few days. Impossible, I'd say. So obviously impossible humanity will see the futility of it and end up not killing anyone, parasite or human."

Rick's face softened.

"As food sources diminish, starvation sets in and the parasites start to dessicate. The population comes back down to an equilibrium where parasites vastly outnumber the humans but vegetation comes back to sustain the remaining humans."

"It never works that way, Morty. Parasites eat everything as it grows. They eat seed corn. Just rock and deserts left behind on every planet their spores are found on."

"These parasites double every few days, Rick. Not every few minutes. These parasites will go through the built up food stores then start to dry up. We may lose a few billion people before the right amounts come about but it gets better from there."

Rick cocked his head, "Better how?"

I figure the humans will go extinct, but only after every human has found the love of their lives like Dad did. With 100 parasites for every human and every parasite providing a rich wonderful terrific lifetime of memories, why would any human marry another? No children will be born, and only parasites will remain. Humans will die having lived lives where they were reasonably well fed, and surrounded by the best people you can imagine. Peace on earth and love for everyone."

Morty looked up from the iPad, not seeing Rick rubbing his chin, eyebrows knitted.

Before him stood Sleepy Gary, holding Bridget. Bridget was sleeping peacefully, but Morty's uncle's eyes were glistening with tears.


End file.
